The Best Daddy in the World

(the pictures are a little fuzzy in this post, one of the settings on my camera changed and I didn't realize it until it was too late.....I need to play with my camera more.)

As far as Daddys go - Mary has a really, really good one. I have a good one too, so I should know. Brian works so hard, so I wanted to do something special and unexpected for Father's Day.

Brian has wanted a ukulele for sometime. When we were on our honeymoon, he kept looking at them in all the stores. A few months ago, my brother-in-law got one. I told Brian and I saw his expression sink...he wanted one too. Brian's birthday is next month, so I dropped some hints that he would get a big gift then - but I decided he needed it earlier. I found a pretty, concert-size, curly koa ukulele online - I couldn't wait!

But I can't just give a gift - we had to do something special. So after the boat ride at my parents Mary gave him a card and this is what it said

Happy Father's Day #2

And here is what you get to do

A hunt for a gift, so keep steady

But first we have to get you ready

Go to the room where you and mommy snooze

When sleeping under Marmee and Grampy's roof



(His Favorite Hawaiian Shirt in the bedroom upstairs)

The shirt that you wore the night before

You and mommy created wedding lore

Now put it on and look spiffy

We'll get to the rest in a jiffy

Go to the room that once was mommy's

And now I sleep in my pajammy's

(Kukui necklace in my old room)

Kukui nuts are only meant for

A special occasion that's not a bore

Don these pretty nuts with a kiss

For the rest of the clues you don't want to miss

Go down, down to the place where Marmee stores

More wine, beer and crackers galores

(His palm hat in the basement)

A palm hat! A palm hat! Now do not hate

Put it on your head, you look great

Now your look is coming together

Like a Hawaiian bird of a feather

Find yourself in the room for cooking meals

And look in the box made of stainless steel



(His cocktail in the 'fridge)

Ahhhh! A rum and Coke

I feel I have your attention and now you awoke

But, as good as this is, it's not the end

Your journey has one more stop to tend

Out, out to the vehicle made of wood

Oh! I can't wait! This is getting good



(THE Surprise out in the garage by the Woody)

Surprise! Surprise! It's your very own Uke

No, seriously, it's real - this is no fluke

Now learn, learn to play so sweet

And we will dance and keep the beat

Step, step and hula hands

Love, your 'ohana - Your biggest fans

Love, Mary and Mommy



The Wee Small Hours of the Morning...

There are a lot of cool things about being a grown up. Things like, if you want to eat ice cream for breakfast, you can. But then there are aspects in my grown-up life that others may not experience...I'm a worrier.

To me, the dumbest thing can seem monumental and it usually occurs about 3am. I lie awake and just think about whatever it is. Then I argue with myself that there is NOTHING I can do about it now at 2-3-4am, so, Please, just go to sleep. Sleep usually comes about 4:30 or 5am and then my alarm goes off at 6.

I remember the week before our wedding lying in bed worrying about how my bouquet was going to get from the club (where they were being delivered) to the hotel (where we were getting ready and having pictures taken)...I know, dumb.

Since Mary came to our family, since we moved, the 3am worris have been a little bigger issues. I want to provide for my family, I want mary to have everything, i want my home to be maintained and cared for. I realize there are much bigger problems in other families. I know we are lucky to have our health and a roof over our heads, however leaky. Still, many times, I get up and sit in my quiet, dark living room and say a little prayer.

And last week it happen (so I have been praying even more thanks this week) - I got a new job. An opportunity that fits my experience, my skills, and compensates me enough so Brian can stay home with Mary. I truly feel like I worked so hard for so long and I am finally getting what I deserve - Yay me :). it will still be tight around our little house, coupons will aways be clipped - but we won't have to dip into savings to live.

Last night the only thing that woke me up was a girl walking by my house at 11:30pm complaining about her boyfriend. The next time I woke up was 5am.

So are the worries over? Never, it's just the way I'm wired. Next week, it may be something else keeping me up, but for now, i want to celebrate a fantastic opportunity. I'm so excited and proud of myself. I can do hard things.

And now the work begins :)

My Crew

This was my crew in 2007 at the Santa Barbara State Championship Sprint Races.

That's me in seat 2. Nadean in 1, Sheryl in 3, Mary Claire in 4, Lyz in 5 and Alex in 6 - I remember this race like it was yesterday. We were in the B-Finals (vs. the A-Finals where all the fastest crews were), but we were in the top of the B-Finals. We got Second Place by a nose - It was the first award I won in this sport. This was also the day that Brian bought me a necklace and hid it in my back pack for me to find while he was out racing - I still wear this necklace almost daily - in fact, I have it on as I type this. I went on to win other medals and just plain have fantastic races with most of these women.

There is something about being in a canoe, it's a meditation. Add to that the competition and the way it draws 6 people in one boat even closer.

I stopped paddling in 2009 when I was planning my wedding, but I was still close to the padding community. In 2010, I was pregnant. In 2011, I had Mary and we were moving...It's been 3 years since I have been in a canoe and I really miss it somedays.

Brian is paddling with a new crew in Chicago and it sounds like a fantastic group. He came back from one of the first meetings to say "There are women that want to go out and they need a steersperson...." Oh really...and I just happen to know how to steer. Tempting.

But...no....this is my crew today.

Mary is Seat 1 leading the pace. Brian and I take turns steering in seat 6. Together we keep on track. To me, there is no canoe that is worth the hours it would take me away from Mary. The exhiliaration of a race day is no comparison to the daily excitement seeing the development of this little girl.

I will come back to it someday. But not now.

The Girl of My Dreams

From the moment Brian and I found out we had a baby coming, we thought we were going to have a boy. It just seemed like what was going to happen. I could see a boy in our family more than I could see a girl. I also felt more equipped to handle a boy than a girl. I'm not a girly-girl myself, how would I deal with purple, pink, glitter and unicorns, I saw us dealing more with dinosaurs, trucks, dirt and baseballs.

When I was just starting my second trimester, I had a very vivid dream. Brian and I were at an outrigger race and we were racing home to see our child. In the dream, I remember rushing in the doors of our Jasper Ave house and a little girl came out of the front office. She was about 2  years old, had blue eyes a little bob hair cut that flipped out on one side.

This picture was taken over the weekend. When I looked at it today, I realized, That's her. That's the little girl I raced home to see in my dream just like I do every day now from work.

I remember waking up from that dream thinking, "Well, that's weird because we're having a boy" - I had another dream about a baby girl. I never dreamt of a boy.  A few weeks later, we found out we were having a girl. Now, I couldn't imagine having anything else besides this girl.

She is truly the girl of my dreams.

Runs In The Family

Once upon a time, I was in really good shape.

Me on the Honeymoon - October 2009

Before the wedding, I was going to two spinning classes a day. It was my goal to keep that body after the wedding. In an effort to do this, I made a goal to run a marathon - I even made a bet with Brian's brother that I would beat him in a marathon. When I was getting ready to buckle down and start hard-core training is when Brian brought up trying for a baby. WHAM-O, we're pregnant, I'm tired and just trying to go out on a walk was exhausting... and this is me exactly one year after the wedding....

First Anniversary Tall Ship Cruise - October 2010

And it turns out having a baby in your arms is more exhausting than having a baby in your belly, so the work outs never started up again. God bless my husband, he still finds me attractive and tells me often...but I don't, and I care more about what I think (does that sound awful). I am at my pre-Mary weight (thank you breastfeeding), but the pre-Mary physique is a totally different story...That's why I don't have a picture to post of myself for October 2011...I've been avoiding the camera.

A few weeks ago, Brian was looking at our honeymoon album and saw the picture at the top of this post, "WOW, honey, you were in really good shape at the wedding." ...yes....yes, I know.

SO, I have talked about it, but I figure if I publish it here, then it's out there and I really need to live up to it...

I'm going to start running again.

It's cheap and easy to do, I can wake up early to do it, or I can bring Mary with me after work in the jogging stroller. I loved how I felt when I could easily do 3-4-5 miles, I want that feeling back. My knees and hips are a bit older, but mommies do it all the time - and (remember the mantra!?) I can do hard things.

I also want to set a good example for Mary. I want her to see healthy active parents and let's face it, we're older parents and we need to keep up with her! I will not be an idle parent and it will not be normal for her to see a soft, overweight mom.

By fall, it is my goal that Brian will have his smokin' hot wife back, it will be nice to see her again :)

Dear Mary,

I just got this picture of you on my phone at work

How CUTE are you!? You are out shopping with your Daddy. We finally can buy you the wagon we have been wanting to get for you, and today is the day! I was never into stuffed animals growing up, I had one Paddington Bear that was dear to me, but that was it. You on the other hand LOVE your fuzzy babies and hug and cuddle them often!

You are coming out with a new word every day. Every Wednesday at our house is Happy Hour. Marmee and Grampy come over and maybe a neighbor or friend and we all hang out for an hour or two. This week, Grampy taught you "beer" (shocking, I know). You will point to something and make a sound like "eh?" as if you are asking what that is, when we tell you the name of what  you are pointing to, you immediately reply with that word (or something that sounds really close to it).

"Cheese" is a word that is clear as day and also your favorite food. You must be making up for your dairy intolerance for the first 9 months of your life. When I ask if you would like lunch or a snack you always reply with "Cheese?" - sure baby, you can have some cheese.

Another big accomplishment is "Please" - you sign and say this one. I am SO Proud. However, we had a stand-off, show-down in order to get this done. You wanted more pasta and cheese and I asked you to say "Please" and then you can have more. You arched your back, whined and kept pointing at the bowl, wanting more. But I just repeated, "Say Please, and then you can have more" (I signed "Please" and "More", you know "more" so I know you understood). You finally pouted in your high-chair, looking down at the tray. Slowly you looked up with a little sly smile that looked eerily like your Daddy..."Peas?" you said and gave the sign. YAY, MARY! You can have all the pasta and cheese you want. :)

This weekend marks two big milestones; 1) You turn 15 months old on Saturday and 2) Mother's Day is Sunday.  Marmee and Aunt Cortney are so glad you came along so I could experience motherhood, because, well, I was pretty clueless before you - All of the wrong things were important. A picture I found on Facebook summed it up well:

As I may have said before, Motherhood is the most Challenging, Rewarding and Terrifying job I have ever had -EVER (and I once had a job where I guided kayaks into a cave called "Flatline"...).

I supposed it started with the Strength when I was still pregnant. I was so nervous going into labor, but I knew I had to go through it...there was NO choice. When it came time to push, I had to bear down harder than I ever had in any race I had been in. In the first 8 weeks of your life, I was more tired than I ever thought possible. But I just had to keep going, there was a tiny baby that needed me - so some where you find the strength to keep going.

Immediately after you were born, I entered into a woozy cocoon of love, but as soon as we left the shelter of the hospital and got home, the Fear set in. When I was in elementary school, we had a bike day where we had to bring our bikes to school and we rode through an obstacle course and taught bike safety. There was one obstacle that was two rows of cones set close together, you needed to ride through them without knocking them down - it was just cones, but for some reason to an eight-year-old me it felt like this:

I soon learned that the trick was just to ride straight and fast - no hesitation, just GO. I've heard it called "Fear and Momentum" - I think it's a lot like Parenthood...So I guess it should be "Fear and MOMentum".

We just have to go, we have to keep going through life, I can't stop and protect you from everything no matter how hard I try. Even today when I still think of you as my baby, but you are growing so fast - even if I hang on tight, you would wiggle free from me to discover, experience and learn. You may get hurt along the way, skinned knees, bruises and you have already hit your head on every piece of furniture in the house. You may be let down and have your heart broken. But no matter how much I try to protect you from these fears I project on to you, I have to let you go and experience your little life.

It's exciting. And it's terrifying....but mostly exciting.

I love you sweet girl.

Love, Mom

The Best We Can

Early on in motherhood I realized parenting is really just doing the best we can for our babies. There is soooo much we want to do for them and give to them, but even if you had unlimited resources, it can't all be done - so we are left with the best we can.

Tiny little newborn Mary

I have found myself having to bite my tongue to other parents lately, I have to realize that this parent is doing the best they can for their baby. A woman at work just returned and she gave up on breastfeeding her 3 month old son. I want to give her all sorts of articles on breastfeeding and talk to her about how even if she isn't physically nursing her son, as long as she can pump and get him some mommy milk, he would benefit...But I don't. I have never had a son, or a baby as big as hers, I don't know what her support system is or isn't like...so I have to think she is doing the best she can.

On the other end of the spectrum, I hear of other mamas who cloth diaper make their own organic baby food and stay home with their babies...they probably look at me with my disposable diapers and store-bought food pouches and think I'm practically killing Mary.

Then there is the topic of working...

"You can be a mom and work - I guess it all depends on how much you love your kids." - Anonymous

This quote was the subject of another working mommy's blog and I love her response to it; "So to the men and women so set on breaking my heart and the hearts of every mother or father who works outside of the home- don't you ever, ever, ever tell me that my love for my son is compromised because I eat my baby carrots out of a sandwich bag [at my desk] instead of at home on the floor with my son.  And don't you ever, ever, ever assert that because I don't always occupy the same space he does, that it's the same thing as leaving him."

YES - GO MOM!

I think working mom's feel they have to make a lot of excuses for themselves. And there are two schools; The moms who have to work and The moms who want to work. I am of the former...If I had my choice I would be leading my little girl through this life showing her the way. I assume all mothers feel this way and then I come across articles like this one below. This is from Lesley Jane Seymour, Editor-in-Chief of More magazine, mother of two:

"I always squirm when I meet women who ask. "So how do you do it all?"...And the reality is that balance only happens over a lifetime - there will be years when you must choose family over work and years when you must do the opposite..."

I was sitting in a waiting room reading this, I visibly shuddered and shook my head...Wha-HUH? Did she just say that-I read it again:

"YEARS when I must choose my family over work"...while I'm only a year into motherhood, I don't feel it is a must...it is a joy.

"YEARS when you must do the opposite..." Uhhhh, no. There are days, but years? Moms of grown kids and Moms who have lost a child all say one thing; Treasure every moment. Even as the breadwinner, NO career is so valuable to me that I would put it above my family - Period. Now, I don't know this woman, so I don't want to scrutinize her from one article, she probably has some fantastic au pair that cares for her kids like they were her own...so I suppose, even she is doing the best she can.

I am lucky to have these examples around me to drive home my beliefs. And I know mothering would not be easier if I could stay at home. Nope. Then it would be a whole different set of issues.

We're all just doing the best we can....for these little guys.