The Girl of My Dreams

From the moment Brian and I found out we had a baby coming, we thought we were going to have a boy. It just seemed like what was going to happen. I could see a boy in our family more than I could see a girl. I also felt more equipped to handle a boy than a girl. I'm not a girly-girl myself, how would I deal with purple, pink, glitter and unicorns, I saw us dealing more with dinosaurs, trucks, dirt and baseballs.

When I was just starting my second trimester, I had a very vivid dream. Brian and I were at an outrigger race and we were racing home to see our child. In the dream, I remember rushing in the doors of our Jasper Ave house and a little girl came out of the front office. She was about 2  years old, had blue eyes a little bob hair cut that flipped out on one side.

This picture was taken over the weekend. When I looked at it today, I realized, That's her. That's the little girl I raced home to see in my dream just like I do every day now from work.

I remember waking up from that dream thinking, "Well, that's weird because we're having a boy" - I had another dream about a baby girl. I never dreamt of a boy.  A few weeks later, we found out we were having a girl. Now, I couldn't imagine having anything else besides this girl.

She is truly the girl of my dreams.

Runs In The Family

Once upon a time, I was in really good shape.

Me on the Honeymoon - October 2009

Before the wedding, I was going to two spinning classes a day. It was my goal to keep that body after the wedding. In an effort to do this, I made a goal to run a marathon - I even made a bet with Brian's brother that I would beat him in a marathon. When I was getting ready to buckle down and start hard-core training is when Brian brought up trying for a baby. WHAM-O, we're pregnant, I'm tired and just trying to go out on a walk was exhausting... and this is me exactly one year after the wedding....

First Anniversary Tall Ship Cruise - October 2010

And it turns out having a baby in your arms is more exhausting than having a baby in your belly, so the work outs never started up again. God bless my husband, he still finds me attractive and tells me often...but I don't, and I care more about what I think (does that sound awful). I am at my pre-Mary weight (thank you breastfeeding), but the pre-Mary physique is a totally different story...That's why I don't have a picture to post of myself for October 2011...I've been avoiding the camera.

A few weeks ago, Brian was looking at our honeymoon album and saw the picture at the top of this post, "WOW, honey, you were in really good shape at the wedding." ...yes....yes, I know.

SO, I have talked about it, but I figure if I publish it here, then it's out there and I really need to live up to it...

I'm going to start running again.

It's cheap and easy to do, I can wake up early to do it, or I can bring Mary with me after work in the jogging stroller. I loved how I felt when I could easily do 3-4-5 miles, I want that feeling back. My knees and hips are a bit older, but mommies do it all the time - and (remember the mantra!?) I can do hard things.

I also want to set a good example for Mary. I want her to see healthy active parents and let's face it, we're older parents and we need to keep up with her! I will not be an idle parent and it will not be normal for her to see a soft, overweight mom.

By fall, it is my goal that Brian will have his smokin' hot wife back, it will be nice to see her again :)

Dear Mary,

I just got this picture of you on my phone at work

How CUTE are you!? You are out shopping with your Daddy. We finally can buy you the wagon we have been wanting to get for you, and today is the day! I was never into stuffed animals growing up, I had one Paddington Bear that was dear to me, but that was it. You on the other hand LOVE your fuzzy babies and hug and cuddle them often!

You are coming out with a new word every day. Every Wednesday at our house is Happy Hour. Marmee and Grampy come over and maybe a neighbor or friend and we all hang out for an hour or two. This week, Grampy taught you "beer" (shocking, I know). You will point to something and make a sound like "eh?" as if you are asking what that is, when we tell you the name of what  you are pointing to, you immediately reply with that word (or something that sounds really close to it).

"Cheese" is a word that is clear as day and also your favorite food. You must be making up for your dairy intolerance for the first 9 months of your life. When I ask if you would like lunch or a snack you always reply with "Cheese?" - sure baby, you can have some cheese.

Another big accomplishment is "Please" - you sign and say this one. I am SO Proud. However, we had a stand-off, show-down in order to get this done. You wanted more pasta and cheese and I asked you to say "Please" and then you can have more. You arched your back, whined and kept pointing at the bowl, wanting more. But I just repeated, "Say Please, and then you can have more" (I signed "Please" and "More", you know "more" so I know you understood). You finally pouted in your high-chair, looking down at the tray. Slowly you looked up with a little sly smile that looked eerily like your Daddy..."Peas?" you said and gave the sign. YAY, MARY! You can have all the pasta and cheese you want. :)

This weekend marks two big milestones; 1) You turn 15 months old on Saturday and 2) Mother's Day is Sunday.  Marmee and Aunt Cortney are so glad you came along so I could experience motherhood, because, well, I was pretty clueless before you - All of the wrong things were important. A picture I found on Facebook summed it up well:

As I may have said before, Motherhood is the most Challenging, Rewarding and Terrifying job I have ever had -EVER (and I once had a job where I guided kayaks into a cave called "Flatline"...).

I supposed it started with the Strength when I was still pregnant. I was so nervous going into labor, but I knew I had to go through it...there was NO choice. When it came time to push, I had to bear down harder than I ever had in any race I had been in. In the first 8 weeks of your life, I was more tired than I ever thought possible. But I just had to keep going, there was a tiny baby that needed me - so some where you find the strength to keep going.

Immediately after you were born, I entered into a woozy cocoon of love, but as soon as we left the shelter of the hospital and got home, the Fear set in. When I was in elementary school, we had a bike day where we had to bring our bikes to school and we rode through an obstacle course and taught bike safety. There was one obstacle that was two rows of cones set close together, you needed to ride through them without knocking them down - it was just cones, but for some reason to an eight-year-old me it felt like this:

I soon learned that the trick was just to ride straight and fast - no hesitation, just GO. I've heard it called "Fear and Momentum" - I think it's a lot like Parenthood...So I guess it should be "Fear and MOMentum".

We just have to go, we have to keep going through life, I can't stop and protect you from everything no matter how hard I try. Even today when I still think of you as my baby, but you are growing so fast - even if I hang on tight, you would wiggle free from me to discover, experience and learn. You may get hurt along the way, skinned knees, bruises and you have already hit your head on every piece of furniture in the house. You may be let down and have your heart broken. But no matter how much I try to protect you from these fears I project on to you, I have to let you go and experience your little life.

It's exciting. And it's terrifying....but mostly exciting.

I love you sweet girl.

Love, Mom

The Best We Can

Early on in motherhood I realized parenting is really just doing the best we can for our babies. There is soooo much we want to do for them and give to them, but even if you had unlimited resources, it can't all be done - so we are left with the best we can.

Tiny little newborn Mary

I have found myself having to bite my tongue to other parents lately, I have to realize that this parent is doing the best they can for their baby. A woman at work just returned and she gave up on breastfeeding her 3 month old son. I want to give her all sorts of articles on breastfeeding and talk to her about how even if she isn't physically nursing her son, as long as she can pump and get him some mommy milk, he would benefit...But I don't. I have never had a son, or a baby as big as hers, I don't know what her support system is or isn't like...so I have to think she is doing the best she can.

On the other end of the spectrum, I hear of other mamas who cloth diaper make their own organic baby food and stay home with their babies...they probably look at me with my disposable diapers and store-bought food pouches and think I'm practically killing Mary.

Then there is the topic of working...

"You can be a mom and work - I guess it all depends on how much you love your kids." - Anonymous

This quote was the subject of another working mommy's blog and I love her response to it; "So to the men and women so set on breaking my heart and the hearts of every mother or father who works outside of the home- don't you ever, ever, ever tell me that my love for my son is compromised because I eat my baby carrots out of a sandwich bag [at my desk] instead of at home on the floor with my son.  And don't you ever, ever, ever assert that because I don't always occupy the same space he does, that it's the same thing as leaving him."

YES - GO MOM!

I think working mom's feel they have to make a lot of excuses for themselves. And there are two schools; The moms who have to work and The moms who want to work. I am of the former...If I had my choice I would be leading my little girl through this life showing her the way. I assume all mothers feel this way and then I come across articles like this one below. This is from Lesley Jane Seymour, Editor-in-Chief of More magazine, mother of two:

"I always squirm when I meet women who ask. "So how do you do it all?"...And the reality is that balance only happens over a lifetime - there will be years when you must choose family over work and years when you must do the opposite..."

I was sitting in a waiting room reading this, I visibly shuddered and shook my head...Wha-HUH? Did she just say that-I read it again:

"YEARS when I must choose my family over work"...while I'm only a year into motherhood, I don't feel it is a must...it is a joy.

"YEARS when you must do the opposite..." Uhhhh, no. There are days, but years? Moms of grown kids and Moms who have lost a child all say one thing; Treasure every moment. Even as the breadwinner, NO career is so valuable to me that I would put it above my family - Period. Now, I don't know this woman, so I don't want to scrutinize her from one article, she probably has some fantastic au pair that cares for her kids like they were her own...so I suppose, even she is doing the best she can.

I am lucky to have these examples around me to drive home my beliefs. And I know mothering would not be easier if I could stay at home. Nope. Then it would be a whole different set of issues.

We're all just doing the best we can....for these little guys.

Dove Chocolate and Life

There are times when I think of a lot of "what ifs" - I had a lot of mentions of other jobs to apply for in California, what if I pursued them - What if I never left The Toland Group - what if I started my own company in 2008 when I was thinking about doing that - what if shrugged off Brian when he got cold feet when we were first dating - What if I had saved my money in my 20's rather than buy all those new clothes, boots, haircuts and facials - I wonder where I'd be today...

But then there are days, like one morning last week, when I talk to my husband on the phone and he holds the phone to Mary so I can sing to her. They both sound so good, so happy, so healthy and I know I am in a really good place then.

Then I got into work and grab a little Dove chocolate treat from a desk down the hall. They have little fortunes inside of them and here's what mine said:

"You are exactly where you are supposed to be"

Thank you, little Dove chocolate treat - for reinforcing this, you have funny timing.

A good friend of mine once said, "If you do what you believe is right in your heart, you will never doubt yourself later." So later, even if I realize I made a dumb decision and should have gone another way - I know I did what believed it to be right at the time, and I find great peace in that.

Every decision I have made in the past 38 years has led me to be the person I am today, the wife and mommy I am today. All in all, I think it's a pretty good place.

The Songs We Sing - Silly Songs

I have no idea how far these songs go back, but I know my mom sang them to us and her mom sang them to her so maybe it is some weird Southern thing...We sing them around other people and usually get a puzzled look in response.

I love that my nieces know these songs now and Mary is just starting to hear them.

"The Crocodile Song"

She sailed away on a happy summer's day on the back of a crocodile

You see, said she, he's a tame as he can be, I will sail him down the Nile

The croc winked his eye as the lady waved good-bye, wearing a happy smile

At the end of the ride, the lady was inside and the smile was on the crocodile!

"After the Ball"

After the ball was over

Minnie took out her glass eye

Put her false teeth in the tumbler

Hung her hair out to dry

Put her false leg in the corner

Hung her tin ear on the wall

And the rest of Minnie went slumbering

After the ball

"The Dummy Song"

I'll take a leg from some old table

I'll take an arm from some old chair

I'll take neck from some old bottle

And from a horse I'll get some hair

And then I'll put them all together

With some string and paint and glue

And I'll get more lovin' from that gosh darn dummy

Than I ever got from You!

(And lastly, this one is short, but when I was 3, I remember it being hilarious and thinking my mom was the funniest person on Earth)

Daaaa-da-da-BOOM-dee-ay

I'll take your PANTS away

And if you're still standing there

I'll take your UNDERWEAR

I think Mary will like that one, too

:)

Recent Pics 4/18/2012

Just some recent pictures of what we have been up to lately! Our sweet Mary is such a busy girl, it's actually hard to catch her on camera and it's not blurry - Of course I am still getting used to my new camera, I need to play with the settings some more!

Mary and her new found love - OREOs!

Stunt Baby...we use the buckle now in the high chari

Mary and her pearls - She is such a lady

Mary and Brian horsing around

My new favorite picture of all time - My loves

Cleaning the screens! they are now in the basement being repaired so someday we can open the windows!

Mary likes Guacamole...she even says "Guac!"

Me trying to get in a picture :)

Mary and one of Izzy's toys

My Dad stopped by with the Woody!

How awesome does my Dad's car look in front of our house?
(Eddie! Get outta the street!)

Guess Whose Easter Basket?

Checking the loot - the Easter Bunny brought some lovely jewels

She actually loves these ears

My parents set up a "hunt" in their yard for Mary

Hooray! A family picture!

Out on a walk inbetween thunderstorms last weekend

The Fam and the Homestead

Mary reading the paper...she actually sits there and studies the page, it's so cute!

My Little Helper!