Passages

With Mary's first birthday, I have really stepped back to reflect. With the one-year milestone also comes my goal to breastfeed for a year (more to come on that in a future post). No more lugging my pump to the office, take breaks to go to the "mother's room", washing little pump-parts each night… and it hit me harder than I realized, I was kind of emotional about it all. (It has been a really hormonal year.) There is a strong connection when nursing that I have never experienced before and I am sad that that chapter of Mary and my relationship is ending.

When I expressed this to my sister, who nursed both of her girls, she replied, "Well it really is nice watching how my girls have grown to be so independent." What!? But this is my baby, I don't want her to grow up.

The same week a young friend of mine called me very upset because her long term boyfriend broke up with her. She is about the same age I was when my first boyfriend broke up with me. I dated this guy for 5 years and when he broke it off, I was so devastated, I was SURE at 20-years-old I would never love again.

Yes, we all know how dumb that sounds now, but at the time, I would hear of nothing else. (Thank you, God for unanswered prayers!)

I listened to my upset friend on the phone and I could hear my voice, the same things that I said 18 years ago. I wanted to cry for her, I understood how she hurt and it didn't make sense that this relationship was ending. At the same time, I wanted to shake her and tell her all of the amazing things that are out there in the world – Other men, and quite frankly, better men, smarter men who would appreciate what a catch she is. Or, better yet, be single (!) it’s really fun being an independent woman and doing things that only you want to do.

But I didn’t say these things, because I knew she didn’t want to hear them. I let her cry, I told her how he is making a mistake and will regret it. But when I hung up the phone, I realized I was excited for her, that she finally will get to move on and discover new things in the next chapter of her life.

Then it hit me how parallel the stories were. I suppose there is always someone out there who is the wiser on a topic that you are dealing with, but we rarely listen to them. We have to learn for ourselves.

I Can Do Hard Things

This week we received word on the impending end to Brian’s unemployment and we need to figure a way to get money into this house. Brian is perfectly willing and capable to go back to work and every couple weeks he will find an ad for “Welder Wanted” and I know he could do whatever they need better than anyone out there. BUT…he is doing such a stellar job with Mary and everything else around the house, I/we would love for him to be able to keep that as his full time job. So that means I need to find a way to bring more money in.

I’m the type to lie awake at night thinking (read: worrying) about things like this. But something happen to me last night. How do I say I became “empowered” without sounding like a complete tool…I’m not sure either. I woke up at 4:30am ready to seize the week.

I can do hard things. (Note: I do not mean for this story to be a downer, but rather, find the inspiration in it). One of the blogs I read gave me this mantra. She is a young mother who lost her 17-month-old daughter in an accident. One month after her baby past away, she was at the gym and got a call that her sister-in-law just gave birth at the same hospital where her daughter died. She froze, terrified to have to go back to the hospital and act happy for her sister-in-law’s new baby, but she repeated to herself “I can do hard things.” And she did it.

I find this fascinating for two reasons; 1) She was at the gym working out a month after her daughter died. Personally I seem find any excuse possible to avoid the gym and this woman had a biggie. 2) That she went to the hospital and held that new baby with clear eyes.

Kinda puts any issue I EVER have in perspective.

I find I’m better able to step up to challenges since I became a mother. I often change the phrase to, “I am a Mommy, I can do hard things.” Becoming a parent wakes up an odd primal, id survival urge in a person that is pretty difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t had children. I think this is especially true for Mommies. Dad’s, please don’t get me wrong - you do a great job, too…but c’mon, even when you were little and got hurt, who did you call out for? Your Mom.  Enough with the “WE” made a baby… screw that. I may have had help with the ingredients, but I made the baby, I pushed her into this world and I gave her the only nutrition she knew for 5.5 months straight. All of this is proof, I can do hard things (all of which is much easier with the support of a partner/husband!)

I thought of this all the way into work today. When I was at my desk and my computer started up this picture is on my desktop:

Those little blue eyes looked directlyat me. "Hi baby, I can do this for you". Brian's arms around me, supporting me. I can do this. This little family is the best motivation I have ever had - ever. I want Mary to stay at home with her one-on-one daddy-care and not have to worry about going to daycare. I can figure it out a way. I am a Mommy, I can do hard things.

And right now, today, it doesn’t even seem like it’s going to be hard…on the contrary, it’s motivating…I can do this. I have the talent, I have the know-how, I have something to offer people and they are going to want to compensate me.

When I put Mary to sleep, we have 3 books that we read. One of them is “The Little Engine That Could.” We like to spend time on the page where the little engine is going up the hill, “I’m not very big and I’ve never been up the mountain…but I will try.”  How exciting that I won’t just read this story to my little girl, but set the example. I can do hard things. I can do hard things.

First Birthday!

I wish we could have had everyone in California over to our little Jasper Ave House, but...yeah, don't live there anymore. We had my parents over and Brian's Mom flew in for the coldest weekend we've had so far (sorry! it has been the 6th mildest winter on record...so far!)

We started off the day with brunch at Marmee and Grampy's


Brunch, YUM!




Birthday Girl!


Then when Mary was taking her afternoon nap, we decorated the house! She woke up to wonderful balloons, pom-poms, and sparkly, dangly thingys.


Decorated during her nap



Beautiful sparkley, dangly thingys

 


And balloons!

 Lots of presents to open!


Personalized Rocking Chair from Marmee and Grampy



Music doggie from Grammies



Giving new baby doll a bottle (that was my baby-basket carrier when I was little)



Going for a stroll with the new stroller/walker from Mommy & Daddy

 FINALLY - the best part of the evening - CUPCAKES! I usually try to stay organic/wholesome, but that all went straight out the window. Cake mix from the box, artificial everything...and sooooo YUMMY!



And Mary Thought so too.

It was a fantastic day - I can't believe it has been a year since this little critter popped into this world. I truly could not care about my own birthday any more - it's all about this little one. It was so fantastic to watch her discover everything for the first time...Happy Birthday Mary. 143

Recent Pics

Just a few recent pics from what we have been up to. Big event this weekend. (1!) More to come for sure.

Brian's new Snow Blower and the reason the Mid-west is getting no snow this year

Mary and Edy Reedy - Christmas Day

Mary's Room and the curtains I finally made for her (no more bath towels on the windows!)

Snow Day and Mary's new sled

Yes, those are my wools socks on her feet since she keeps kicking off her boots!

Snow bunny - she loved her sled!

Brian stripping and sanding an interior door - one down, many to go.

Belly Envy

Exactly one year ago I was absolutely done being pregnant. I was tired of the sleepless nights, the leg cramps, the rocking and counting one-two-THREE to get out of my car or off the couch. I wanted to go out for a run, I wanted to put my baby down and have a big glass of wine, I wanted to button my pants.  I remember getting on the floor one night to try to stretch out a little, I sat down there trying to strategize how I was going to get back up and telling Brian “I have no idea how women do this pregnancy-thing more than once!? We are only having one kid.”

I felt this way and I only had one little 5lb baby. I have no idea how women have bigger babies – My friend had her twins exactly a month after Mary was born. Each of her babies weighed more than Mary did – she was carrying around more than 15lbs of baby…no thanks!

Well…then Mary came a long and I really “got it” and I wanted another baby. I wanted to experience pregnancy again when I wasn’t so freaked out about everything and I wanted Mary to have a sibling. Thus began my belly envy.

When I started my new job in Chicago there is a woman down the hall who is Due on Feb 3^rd – I would look at her and think how that is pretty much where I was exactly a year earlier. I tried not to be too stalker-ish, but I would often stop by to ask how she was doing. She claimed that she liked my advice because I was a newer mom so I happily unloaded more. Two weeks ago she left to go work from home until her baby comes. I told her to try to enjoy this time, because, believe it or not…she was going to miss this. She gave me weak smile through a desperate look that I recognized…the poor thing was done.

Lately, I have been on the fence a bit. The right, romantic side of my brain thinks how wonderful it would be to feel a baby kick again, to have another shot at childbirth, to give Mary someone she will know the rest of her life. But now my left side has started speaking up; money, logistics, the fact we aren’t getting younger, plus the amount of bedrooms we have.

It seems the right side is backing down.

A friend in one of my mommy groups is due in April with a baby girl and she is on strict bed-rest. She messaged out to the group if anyone had any baby girl clothes that she could buy or have since she can’t get out to do any shopping. I have a TON of tiny, little baby clothes in a large Tupperware in our basement…just in case. Every time Brian is straightening he will call up “What are we doing with these baby clothes!?” completely ignoring the sign on the box that says "KEEP" and as if all of a sudden I’m going to say, “What clothes!? Use them as rags.” Sitting on my side of the screen I started to type back to my friend with the offer of clothes. I sat in front of the message and stared at it….and then deleted it.

I guess I’m still not done dreaming - I'm not ready to let go of the maternity clothes, the tiny, tiny baby clothes. I'll hang on to them...just in case.

My Man

I feel I need to give a little attention to my husband.

As I have told many times, when I first met him...he had a bit of a rough exterior...a tough nut to crack, if you will. I was always attracted to the well dressed man, when I lived in Chicago, I would sometimes take the bus that went down through the financial district, just so I could see all those men in suits. One day Brian came to the beach for Outrigger practice straight from work

He was dirty, had on his work boots and soot all down his front...and all I could think was 'Wow, now that's a MAN.'  Since then I have gotten to know a side of Brian not many get to see - he actually has quite the soft underbelly as I first saw with our dog Izzy.

And then we got married...

And still there were more fun sides of Brian for me to see...

He has taken me places I have never been...

When we became parents, it all seemed a little scary...

And then it got a little easier...

And then the same year, I asked Brian to take a huge leap of faith and move to Illinois. Away from his hometown and everything that is familiar and everything he loves...

And he did it - he did it for me and Mary. He sold his surfboards (I made him keep one), packed up everything and drove our life across the country in 41 hours straight.

He has done things for me that I'm not sure I would have the strength to do. Yet he has taken it all in stride...but I think the fact that he gets to buy new toys has made it a litte easier...

 and the fact that he gets to hang out with Mary and the dogs all day...

And I'm not sure I can tell him right now how much it means to me and how much I appreciate everything he does for this family but luckily I have the rest of our lives together to keep trying.

I love you Brian, I love when we lay in bed and say "I love you" outloud before we fall asleep, I love that those are the last words I hear during the day. I love you - I will always be your Bride.

Resolutions

I did something today that I haven't done in over twenty years. I went to church.

It's one of my New Year Resolutions. I've honestly thought about doing it a lot the last few years, but every church I would look at in California I would compare the the church I went to growing up, and now I just happen to leave about three blocks away. We weren't all that diligent about going to church while growing up. We went a few times when I was little, I saw the kids in Choir and really wanted to wear those pretty robes, so I joined that. My mom sent my sister and I through confirmation when we were each 13. So I have to say my parents did a great job making it a part of our life - but not making it our life. So now, when we are 38, we can make a decision on if we want to attend and not feel like it's foreign, but at the same time if we don't go, we aren't sinners. I always liked this church in particular because I didn't feel like I was being preached to, but, instead, it was a nice message to start out the week - twenty years later this is still the case.

It is also the prettiest church I have ever known. Very basic, purtian almost, built in the mid 1800's and hasn't changed a whole lot, and the best part is there isn't a dead Jesus in the front staring down at you the whole time.

In my 20s I feel like I had to work pretty hard for things, I suppose I still work pretty hard, but (and this sounds weird) I don't feel like it's so hard to work so hard. And now I feel like there is a lot going my way. Just in the last 2.5 years alone, I have had so many positive things happen, sometimes against all the odds, that I feel there is more than just dumb luck involved...maybe there is a higher power...still not sure, but maybe.

In California, I always thought of the ocean as my church. When you are out on the open ocean in a narrow canoe, you see dolphin, pelicans, sometimes whales and even sharks...you feel pretty close to a higher power - something much bigger than you are. I love that in that "church" is where I met Brian. And when we got married, it was so important to us to have the ocean as a backdrop...it is our church, afterall.

So I went to actual church today....and I didn't hate it. It was quite nice, actually. And afterwards I even went up to Rev Arn and re-introduced myself. I chatted with the nice woman who sat next to me (Dotty) and she said "we'll have to get your husband here too." Hmmmm - not too sure about that one - this may be my "me" time.