Gut Check

After being back to work about two weeks, I bumped into someone at the office who was in my class in elementary school. She is pretty high up in the company and recently took on a new job to basically be the “right hand” of the CEO. She is fit, looks fabulous, lives in the city with her husband. Her job takes her jet-setting on a private plane all over the world. She has told me that she didn’t want to have kids because of her career, which I guess has paid off for her because I know she must be pulling down a healthy salary with bonuses.

When I saw her, I immediately felt self-conscious about my post-partum body. My belly still warranted a maternity dress, my hair was wavy with fly-aways because I haven't had time to use a flat-iron since Pearl was born. My make-up tried to cover the fact that I had been up twice that night for an hour each time, but I knew I still looked tired. I had my big, black bag over my shoulder that houses my breast pump and was on my way to the Nursing Mother’s Room.

In her,  I saw a road I could have chosen. In my 20s I envisioned myself being that fit and rich, to have the energy and time to eat well. I felt like she looked at me with a shudder, and I could almost hear her thoughts saying, “Wow, you’re not lookin’ good.” I say this because it’s what I would have thought of me back then.

I went to my little room to pump milk for my little babe and held back tears that I had let myself go.

A few days later, during a hot weekend. I wore an outfit that may not have been the best choice. It showed my belly, quite a bit. Brian was in Mary’s room with the girls, holding Pearl on his lap in the rocking chair while Mary picked out some books to read. I walked in the room shaking my belly in an exaggerated way and making the sound effects, “Wubba, wubba, wubba”.

Brian smiled at me and responded in a little voice as if it were Pearl talking, “Haha, I gave you that belly - but aren’t I cute!?”

My heart beamed and I felt a fog of negativity lift from my shoulders.

Yes, my little darling, you and your sister are cuter, sweeter and more precious than any belly-gut, out-of-control hair, and dark-eye circles. I should take pride in these trophies, like the red badge of courage I exhibit everyday as reminders that I am a mom. A good mom. I may not be the most fit, and I could use some more sleep, but realized then that I love my little family, my little life way more.

Talk about a GUT CHECK. I really thought what my belly gut meant. That I had made two of the coolest people I know on the plant. And I love them so much I could eat them up.

Then the table completely turned and I feel sorry for this elementary school friend. She will never experience little kicks inside her, a baby’s smile while nursing, an exhaustive night worrying about a toddler’s fever, or the joy of a little hug with the words, “I love you, Mommy”. The price to pay is small compared to the joy and full life my girls bring me.

My littlest darling - 3 weeks old

Father's Day Interview

Okay it was a few weeks ago, but this is too cute not to share. For Brian's Father's Day card, I interviewed Mary - it turned out so cute, I may do this every year to see how her answers change:

Q: What is something Daddy always says to you?
Mary: To eat my breakfast

Q: What makes Daddy happy?
Mary: When I write my letters and birthday cake

Q: What makes Daddy sad?
Mary: When he doesn’t get cake

Q: How does Daddy make you laugh?
Mary: When he makes faces like this – Bluraghhhh!

Q: What does Daddy do when you are at school?
Mary: He wakes up Pearl and works on the porch.

Q: What is Daddy very good at?
Mary: Driving.

Q: How do you know Daddy loves you?
Mary: Because he gives me a BIG squeezie!

Outside the Mommy Box

I had some pretty big plans for my maternity leave. I really wanted to go out and make some memories with Mary. But when I was in the thick of it, I was reminded that maternity leave really is necessary to heal, bond with baby and, well, sleep whenever possible.  SO, we really only went on one adventure - to the Shedd Aquarium.

I am a creature of routine, especially when it comes to Mary (and now Pearl). I was taught that kids need structure and routine, and I have found that it really works and good behavior ensues when Mary knows what to expect. Wake up at this time, nap at this time, dinner at this time, PJs, TV, stories, then bed.  So when there is a day that routine is messed with and she may miss a nap - I am the one that gets stressed. I'm sure in some way this rubs off on my kid in some negative way, but I'm working on it.

Brian and I were at Starbucks and bumped into an old friend who has a son Mary's age. He was talking to us about how they took the kids to Italy for two weeks...huh, well if their kids can survive a trip to Italy, I think I can manage a day trip to the Shedd. Still, when the day arrived, my neurosis kicked into high-gear. Did I have enough snacks, I wanted to bring water, but not too much, so Mary would have an accident, extra panties/pants in case there is an accident, activities/snacks for the car, will Pearl be comfortable, will she sleep, will she nurse, will she have a poopy blow-out...This is what keeps me up at night.

That morning, Brian assured me it would all be okay - "What's the worst that could happen?" in my head? My old tires could blow out and while on the side of the road we could be hit by an 18-wheeler like that family on the news...Welcome to my dark side, what happens when I step out of the comfort of our routine - outside the Mommy box

Up until the morning we planned to go I was thinking of excuses why we shouldn't, but none of them were as compelling as the thought that Mary is going to L-O-V-E this day.

So we went and she loved it and is still talking about it and giving us Dolphin shows. Mary napped in the car on the way home and was in bed early and we all lived. Am I ready for Italy, most definitely not. But we (I) did it, and I'm so glad we did.

Mary, Brian and some sharks.

Mary during the dolphin show, I'm not sure how much of the actual show I watched, I just enjoyed her happy face

Family pic with Chicago skyline

Dolphin tank - they would swim so fast by you!

Beluga whales - they actually rubbed against the glass!

9 and 1/2 weeks

Next week I have to go back to work. They would give me more time. But I need to go back. We’ve done really well with money while I was out, we hardly had to dip into savings at all, and now it is time for me to start earning money again. My blue computer bag has been sitting in the extra room the entire time I've been home and the alarm on my clock is still set for when we had to be at the hospital at 5am.

It sucks. I was able to take 16 weeks with Mary, she was a nice hearty 4 months old when I went back. She was on a schedule already, I knew when she needed to eat, what to expect at night. I felt we were in engrained in our relationship.

Pearl is only 9 weeks. I feel we are still getting acquainted to each other. I still don’t know when she needs to sleep, she just sleeps when I can get her to sleep. I don’t know how many times she will wake up at night. We are still in the fourth trimester and she is still figuring out this life outside the womb. I made Brian promise to just hold her if she needs to be held – I feel it is important at this stage.

I’m not really sure who I am abandoning more; Brian or Pearl. I feel for Brian because he’s going to be thrown into the hot seat with two little girls and no boobs to offer comfort. I’ve told him that it is all just going to be up for grabs for a few months and it’s okay if the laundry doesn’t get folded, the dishes aren’t done and that we have cereal again for dinner. We’ll figure it out.

For Pearl, I feel I’m leaving her day-to-day life before she knows who I am. Will this affect our relationship long term? Mary knew who I was when I went back, I got smiles from her all day. Pearl is just starting to smile now, her personality starting to emerge and here I go…I’m worried this sweet little girl will think her Mommy left her. I promise to hold her all night if that is what she needs when I get home.

On the flipside, I do have to be thankful. Thankful that these two sweet girls still get to stay home with their Daddy. Thankful that I have a great job to go back to. Thankful that I can work from home if I absolutely need to and if I show up late after a long, wakeful night, it’s okay.

I’m Thankful for the 9.5 weeks, because some Mommies don’t even get that long.

Thankful for getting to smell this soft, fuzzy head. 

 Thankful for seeing this sweet smile 

Thankful for watching these girls get to know each other  

Thankful for an awesome hubs to take care of them. 

I love my family so much, I'm so thankful to have them to come home to.

Pearl

As I type this, I can hear the squeaks and peeps from my one-month-old sweet little Pearl in the cradle next to me. Last night for her birthday, she gave me the best gift of all – Six hours of sleep in a row! Ah, I love this kid!

I can honestly say that I am enjoying motherhood earlier this time around, than I did the first time. Everything seems easier and more enjoyable from physical recovery to nursing. I think being better able to anticipate her needs has allowed both Brian and I to just enjoy this time so much more.

So here is how it all went down (so to speak):

This is me exactly one week before delivering. I was big and feeling a little freakish. I was pretty done with being pregnant; heartburn, leg cramps at night, I was starting to get puffy in my hands, and just plain uncomfortable 24/7. Still I was looking forward to going into labor naturally, I wanted to know what it was like to have contractions start on their own and be able to walk around the neighborhood, etc.

Turns out that wasn’t in the cards this time, either. I went to the doctor on Thursday the 13th and she informed me that I would need to be induced the following week – apparently because of my high blood pressure and my “Advanced maternal age” they did not recommend me going past my due date. *sigh* Okay, so they asked me to pick a day to come in the next week to be induced. I have a hard time thinking about picking a birthday, I would almost rather they pick, but then I realized that Monday was March 17th.

March 17th is the anniversary of my grandfather passing away, it’s also our dear Jerry Zacharias’ 93rd birthday, AND St. Patrick’s Day could be a fun birthday. On the logical side of things: The doc anticipated the baby to be 7lbs, so I don’t want to wait longer as she gets bigger, also it was a Monday, so my maternity leave could start on the beginning of the week and I could still have the weekend to get life situated, my mom would have time to request time off work to take care of Mary…it just made sense on a few different levels.

Sunday, March 16th
We dropped off Mary Sunday night at my parent’s house. It was bittersweet. I still struggled with knowing my relationship with Mary was about to change. I put on my best happy face leaving, but I cried on my way home.

Monday, March 17th
We were supposed to check in to the hospital at 5am. I had a hard time falling to sleep, but at some point I must have because the alarm woke me up a 4am. I had the list by the back door with everything left to pack; camera charger, Kindle, phone chargers, nursing pillow, etc. Brian pointed out that we were running late and we still had to stop at Country Donuts because I wanted to get a box of donuts for the nurses – I pointed out that we will get there when we get there and the doctor can’t get started without us.

When we arrived, it was still surreal to me – checking in to have a baby. I walked into the delivery room knowing I probably wouldn’t leave that room until I had a baby – I was right, and it was a long day:

Just getting the Pitocin started here...still smiling

5:20am – check into the hospital
6:15am – Pitocin starts and dosage is increased during the day
7:00am – Water is broken.
9:30am – Feeling some contractions, but they don’t hurt. Doctor puts an internal monitor on so they can get a more accurate read on the contractions.
11:15am – Contractions start getting more intense, but don’t seem to progress. I start to worry that it is going to take a long time. I don’t want to get the epidural because it slowed labor so much with Mary – I want to progress as much as I can. I realize there are lots of things I forgot about this process; Every time they check my cervix, up the Pitocin I become shaky and shiver for a couple minutes like my body is in shock.
1:30pm – Contractions very hurty – Brian is doing great to help me through contractions.
3:00pm – Contractions hitting 100 every time and about 2 minutes apart. My favorite is Brian watching my contractions on the monitor and telling me, “Oh this is a big one.”…yes, dear, I’m very aware of that. I find myself falling asleep for the minute in between contractions and determine, I must be very tired and it’s time for the epidural…I still procrastinate, thinking I can go longer.
3:20pm – Screw this, get me the epidural. Nurse winces looking at my contractions on the monitor and says, “I hope we didn’t wait too long.” WHAT!?
3:40pm – Anesthesiologist shows up and appears to be somewhere in between 12-20 years old. I look at him and decide not to make a comment about his age, he doesn’t need it and he’s about to stick a needle in my spine. Getting the epidural is tougher and more painful than I remember it being with Mary. I was also having a lot of contractions during the process and had to stay perfectly still, so that may have made it more difficult.
4:00pm – Epidural kicking in, I’m itchy all over as part of the side effects. I wonder how much anesthesia they pumped into me because I am numb from my ear lobes to my toes and can barely move my legs. It eventually subsides and balances out.
5:00pm – Discouraged…labor has slowed with the epidural. Contractions not as strong, further apart. Pitocin pumped up significantly and we keep an eye on baby’s heart rate to make sure she can take it...she’s tough, can take it like a champ.

Me post-epidural with my Kindle and ice chips...smiling again.

 6:00pm – Have been at this 12 hours…average time for a second baby is 8 hours *sigh* wondering if this will happen today. Meditate and envision baby girl dropping more and making her way out.
6:40pm – I remember with Mary I started to feel contractions again right before she came and I’m feeling contractions now. Call the nurse to check me and…YUP! I’m complete and ready to push! Feels like forever as the doctor and nurses get there, get dressed. At one point they all leave the room and I panic a bit because I can feel baby girl moving lower and lower.
6:55pm – I push hard for three counts of 10…doctor says to take a break. On the next contraction, push for a count of 10 and I’m told her head is right there. Push for another count of 10 and Brian says that she has a lot of hair. Push for another count of 10 and she pops out at 6:58pm (Mary was born at 6:58am), I take one look and know that she is not 7lbs, she is as small as I remember Mary being when she popped out. I look at her tiny little face and fall in love all over again, my sweet girl.

6:58pm - 5lbs 12oz

As soon as she was born, the doctors commented at how she was tangled in the umbilical cord, it was around her shoulder, wrapped around one arm and then down around her thigh. I watched them get it off her leg and it was tight! Brian got to cut the cord, she was weighed and then I got to hold her skin-to-skin to my chest for about 20 min. It was during this time that Brian and I decided her name was Pearl. It is a way to name her after many family members; We have so many birthdays in June and Pearl is the birthstone for June (I actually liked the name “June” but apparently I was the only one). I also like that it has relationship to the ocean. Her middle name is Kailani – Hawaiian for “Sea and Sky”, since this poor little one was born away from the ocean, I wanted there to be an ocean-element to her name.

Since I pushed her out so fast she still had some fluid in her lungs. The nurses were a little concerned about this – but it cleared out right away and they moved us down to our room a little after 8. I was starving. When Mary was born, I had filet mignon for dinner – now the nurses grabbed me a cold box lunch they keep around for situations like this. Cold turkey sandwich on white bread that was soggy from the tomato. I really didn’t care, I was hungry and tired and just wanted to get some sleep. Which is impossible in a hospital, but we seemed to manage just fine. Pearl was as tired as we were (she has just as hard of a day after all), she slept in 4-hour increments which was fine with me!

Tuesday, March 18th
Mary, Marmee, & Grampy come for a visit! It went better than expected. I’m not sure if there is any way to fully prep a 3 year old for a new baby coming into the house, but we seemed to do okay. Mary gave baby sister the giraffe she picked out and Pearl gave Mary a new little dolly that goes with her favorite horsey.

It was sad when it came time for them to leave, Mary was NOT happy about it – I actually had to carry her down the hallway as she cried. My parents said she cried until they got out of the parking lot and then was okay...

Wednesday, March 19th
Pearl comes home!

Since then, things have been going great. Pearl has better, more experienced parents than Mary did – however this also means I realize it’s not the end of the world if she fusses/cries while I take a shower.

Mary has been a great helper. When I change Pearl’s diaper, Mary stands next to the changing table and puts her hand on Pearl’s chest so she feels safe and doesn’t flail her arms out like she’s scared. When we’re packing up to leave, I always forget something in the house and Mary is the one to run through the house to get the blanket, sunglasses, etc that I forgot. There are times that the little booger in her comes out, but it’s clear during those times that she is upset that she doesn’t have 100% of our attention. When she acts this way, I always try to set aside a few moments for “Mary Time” as we call it, so we can hug and rock. I tell her that she is my most favorite “Mary” on the planet, and that she is always going to be my number 1.

This week, Mary started saying, “Baby sister is still staying with us!” …Uh, well, yes – she’ll be here for a bit.

Pearl had her one month weigh-in yesterday…she was 5lbs 12oz when born, 5lbs 8oz when we brought her home and at one month she is 7lbs 6oz. Atta girl! I’m proud to say I have fed her every drop she’s eaten.

Today on her one-month birthday, she gave me the gift of 6 hours of sleep in a row (probably one reason I have the brain capacity to write this post) AND she gave me her first true smile...happily, my camera was right there and I snapped this picture...

First Smile 4/18/14

Pearl, You are such a sweet, sweet baby. I’m so sorry that I was nervous about your arrival. You have stolen my heart and completed our family – you are our little gem, our Pearlie Girl.

I was trying to capture how tiny she is...

PS: Brian just walked through the room as I was uploading this and said I needed to be sure to point out what a rock star he was in the delivery room and that he let me have the remote the whole day...It's all true.

Our first family picture

Home Alone...

Home-alone-selfie

Something happen a few weekends ago that N-E-V-E-R happens. I was home alone for more than two whole hours. Usually my time alone is weekend mornings when everyone else is still sleeping. I can watch what I want to watch on TV (Food Network), read, cook, write, work…what ever I want to do…

However, this pregnancy, I’m exhausted and have been sleeping in so that I really only get a half hour or less…about the amount of time to brew a pot of coffee. I hate to admit what when I hear Brian come downstairs or Mary on the monitor, my heart sinks a little.

Today Brian took Mary to a birthday party. He took charge of the whole thing, bought the gift, everything. And I got to stay home. I tidied up a little, read, wrote, drank tea, listened to my music – it was glorious. What was even better, was seeing these faces when they got home. 

2 hours past her nap time, she was pretty tired :)

I’m willing to bet it will be another few years before this happens again, but that’s okay – I’m so in love with my family, I’m a lucky, mom/wife/woman.

This Pregnancy and other Happenings

THIS PREGNANCY:

36 weeks - 2-22-14

For the past couple months, I lie in bed many nights and mornings…and sometimes even in the middle of the night thinking of this blog post. When I’m driving to/from work, I think I should get a voice recorder so I could get some thoughts that I could type up later – but that has been the issue is finding the energy to just sit down and type it all up. Even before I was pregnant, I haven’t had the mental capacity to just sit down and focus on my thoughts and now that I have the exhaustion that comes with growing another human, any time I have to think of writing an entry is fleeting.

As I start this post, I’m sitting next to Mary on the couch while she watches one of her new favorite movies (more on that later). I’m caught up on work, taxes are done – I could be cleaning or tidying up the house, but – well, that job may never be done.

So! This pregnancy. I suppose since the post about coming to peace with just one, it may seem strange that I am pregnant. I will be honest, we tried for a bit. I felt it wasn’t meant to be, but at least we could say we tried. About the same time the reality of money was starting to hit me, the cost of pre-school, ballet, other activities for Mary, plus needs that house was having. I felt comfortable where we were. The next month, I was pregnant. SURPRISE!

I had mixed feelings at first. Same as I did with Mary. But I realize that clearly this little soul is meant to be since she beat all odds and come to be when we weren’t even trying…we are taking measures that there are no more miracles in our house :)

At times I feel sad that Mary won't remember this time when it was just the three of us and she got all the attention - but at the same time, i think it is a good thing that she will always think it's been the 4 of us. I try to shower her with as much attention as possible right now and she is definitely drinking it up!

Just as with Mary, everything has been pretty text book. Second trimester, I felt great – lots of energy, worked a bunch. When the third trimester rolled around, I was shocked that it all seemed to be going a little fast.

I had my last ultrasound this week and this baby girl is measuring the exact same size that Mary weighed when she was born. This makes me a little nervous. At the time I was 35 weeks, with 6 weeks left and she could gain half a pound a week…so I may actually need some pain killers after this one is born.

I just started getting pretty uncomfortable the past two weeks and really, really uncomfortable last week. Sleeping, eating, breathing, getting out of the car has all become difficult. Heartburn is an always occurring – if my stomach is empty: Heartburn, if I eat too much: Heartburn. At work the agency is on two different floors – this last week, when people say “come on up and see me.” I ask if there is ANY chance they could possibly come down to my desk instead.

I constantly remind myself how after Mary was born, I missed being pregnant, so I’m trying to enjoy all the positive things. This little suger-booger is quite the wiggle worm and seems to be pretty opinionated about how I’m sitting. She Hates when I cross my arms and rest them on the top of my tummy, she kicks like mad until I move them. When sleeping, if I’m lying on a side she doesn’t approve of, again, she wiggles and jabs until I move. I was talking to a co-worker and got a jab so startling, I jumped mid-sentence. For a few weeks it seemed she always got the hiccups at 4am, which I think is pretty cute.

I’m starting to get nervous about her arrival – I need to get my hospital bag packed, download some more music for L&D. Brian is working feverishly to finish the downstairs office/guestroom. We figure baby girl and I will spend some time in that room when she first arrives so Brian and Mary can sleep a little better and leave Brian with the energy to deal with a toddler all day.


CHRISTMAS 2013:

Christmas Morning 2013

I have to say, Christmas 2013 was one of the best I think I’ve ever had. Mary was fantastic. She really “got” the whole thing, from Jesus to Santa, but what was nice is she didn’t get out of control, crazy-hyper about it. It was a wonderful discovery. She absolutely loved the carols and learned all the words to Rudolph and Jingle Bells – two months later, she will still break out into one of these songs in the middle of the grocery store.

NEXT in line to see Santa after a 1 hour wait!

We visited Santa, I wasn't sure how that was going to go, so we wrote a letter just in case Mary didn't want to sit on his lap. After an hour wait in line, she was very excited and actually sat on his lap...not sure if she was thrilled about it at the time, but that is all she talked about for the rest of the week :)

Big Girl bed in the living room - she warmed up to it as the day went on (and she got the other presents she wished for)

 Mary got a big girl bed from Santa, which I thought she would be a little more excited about, but it turns out she really only likes her “tiny bed”. The big girl bed is all set up in her room with pink Hawaiian sheets. Mary thinks it’s great to jump on, but when it comes to sleeping or even reading, she only wants the tiny bed. I’m not going to push it just yet, she has lots of changes coming.

We had our Holiday Open House again this year, and it was a lot of fun. The last time we had it, we really didn’t have any friends of our own yet and it was really just a way for all of my parents friends to come see the house. We had it on a Sunday night for two reasons 1) I wanted people to be able to come and holiday schedules fill up so quickly, I thought Sunday was the best bet and 2) Even though I wanted people to come, I didn’t want them to stay late J. Thinking people would go to work the next day, I thought they would all scoot out – but at 10:30, we still had 12 or so people and I had to excuse myself to bed.


THIS WINTER:

To say the least this winter has been a little trying – in fact, it downright sucks. We started having below zero days before Christmas. A little early in my mind. In the beginning of January we had our first “Polar Vortex” – the first I had ever heard that term in all my time growing up here. -45 degrees with the wind chill. Schools were closed, trains delayed, cars not starting, It was damp the day before, so when it all of a sudden dropped so dramatically, it led to really just disgusting conditions. Thankfully our power stayed on – we stayed inside for two whole days. Since then we have had two other “polar vortex” spells.

On top of that we are in the top 5 in the history of snow accumulation. I think the novelty of snow-blowing has worn off on Brian. There is literally nowhere to put all the snow – Mountains of snow in parking lots and the end of driveways probably won’t melt until April. Unfortunately it hasn’t been fun snow – it’s all powder that turns into ice, so no snowmen inhabit our yard…

In addition to the weather, we have been a pretty sick family since Christmas. Not fun when I’m pregnant and can’t take anything that would really help me. Poor Mary was reeeeeaaally sick a few weeks ago. She got a fever in the middle of the night one night, we gave her Tylenol and she was fine. As soon as it would wear off, her fever was worse than before. This trend continued until the Sunday before her birthday when she woke up with 105.2 fever. Scary for mom, the doctor came into the office for us that morning, but of course, by the time we got there, she had her Tylenol and was feeling fine…mystery! Even though she had been eating/drinking normally, her throat was red and swollen…yet she tested negative for strep. We went back a few days later and the doctor said it may have even been Mono! What? I guess it has different symptoms in little ones than in teens. She is feeling much better now, but has a gross cough that we can’t shake.

Also this last week, I had a head cold so horrible, I finally took time off work. Instead of logging in from home, like I normally would, I told the office I need coverage. After that, I’m finally feeling better and Brian’s throat starts hurting….We are all looking forward to spring!


MARY IS 3!

Special Birthday Breakfast!

 While we had a big party last year, I thought this year we could just invite a few little friends to a Birthday Playdate. The plan was to go to the Rainbow Playcenter Showroom (the big redwood swing sets that are in so many backyards around here). They allow kids in to play during the day – I thought that would be fun and then we were going to Country Donuts (Mary’s favorite). Unfortunately since she was so sick, we had to cancel. I still plan on rescheduling, but her cough is so rough if she runs for 5 min, she coughs for 10…soon we’ll celebrate.

YAY! All of us in one picture!

On her actual Birthday, it was her Valentine’s party at pre-school making it extra fun! That night, we had Marmee and Grampy over for pizza, cake and presents. It was really perfect J

I think we’re mostly caught up now…onward.